I was a little offended by those comments made during a debate on a certain show and decided to write a piece on the topic. I am a person who does live with a spouse and I am engaged to this person, whom I love very much. though we havent set a date,we do have a plan for our future together. I wanted to start with certain questions that were asked:
Q:How long is too long to be engaged?
A: Over a year (was the typical answer)
Q: Do men propose to a woman to keep her quiet about the issue of marriage?
A: (no lay person was able to come up with a straight answer)
My question is depending on the relationship and the character of the couple, is being engaged for 6-12 months not enough time to decided to move forward with marriage plans?
A couple not knowing each personally for more than a year decide to get married. This couple then starts to plan for their wedding and start to succumb to the pressures that wedding planning brings on, they begin to crack. It is then, that some couples began to bicker with one another. So lets say they get married six months later, and also never worked out their communication problems. Later down the line they realize that their marriage was a mistake, due to the never ending pressures and obstacles they face. Concluding my example, this marriage failed because they failed to get to know each other, by not getting past what I call the awe phase of the relationship. the awe phase is the phase when a couple only reveals their good, the romantic, the happy side of themselves to make their partners happy. Being together past this stage is experienced by those that are unmarried and cohabit do experience.Whether or not these relationships end in marriage, most of these long-term engaged, and cohabit couples last longer than the marriages that are rushed into. "shows that most couples who live together would like to get married someday, and within five years, slightly more than half of them do."
For those that say it is important to get married before you are engaged for more than a year, I would say to you that in ideal times this would be true for those who are comfortable financially and for those who really know the good, the bad, ugly about their partner ( and accept them unconditionally), also it is ideal for those couples that have a plan for their future together. Marriage is not a one size fits all (www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com, 2011). Meaning marriage does not work for every one's situation, but in society it is seen as "the right choice". In fact society is what encourages marriage. their are many financial benefits of marriage, such as pensions, health insurance, and religion.
Pressuring live-in couples and long-term engaged couples into married people will not improve the face of marriage. In the times that we live in is all the more reason for society to urge people not to jump into marriage.
Celebrities and wealthy people use marriage as a business deal. For example, there is always a prenuptial agreement or none. When the rich couple splits they spilt assets down the middle and one person walks away one million dollars richer. But in reality when average people get a divorce they have rushed through the experience, and walk away scarred, a child with a person they despise, or thousands of dollars in debt (or more than one of these). the average person cannot afford this kind of expense despite what experts and surveys say, it is best to wait and work through those issues before the marriage, than to be another statistic.
Q:How long is too long to be engaged?
A: Over a year (was the typical answer)
Q: Do men propose to a woman to keep her quiet about the issue of marriage?
A: (no lay person was able to come up with a straight answer)
My question is depending on the relationship and the character of the couple, is being engaged for 6-12 months not enough time to decided to move forward with marriage plans?
A couple not knowing each personally for more than a year decide to get married. This couple then starts to plan for their wedding and start to succumb to the pressures that wedding planning brings on, they begin to crack. It is then, that some couples began to bicker with one another. So lets say they get married six months later, and also never worked out their communication problems. Later down the line they realize that their marriage was a mistake, due to the never ending pressures and obstacles they face. Concluding my example, this marriage failed because they failed to get to know each other, by not getting past what I call the awe phase of the relationship. the awe phase is the phase when a couple only reveals their good, the romantic, the happy side of themselves to make their partners happy. Being together past this stage is experienced by those that are unmarried and cohabit do experience.Whether or not these relationships end in marriage, most of these long-term engaged, and cohabit couples last longer than the marriages that are rushed into. "shows that most couples who live together would like to get married someday, and within five years, slightly more than half of them do."
For those that say it is important to get married before you are engaged for more than a year, I would say to you that in ideal times this would be true for those who are comfortable financially and for those who really know the good, the bad, ugly about their partner ( and accept them unconditionally), also it is ideal for those couples that have a plan for their future together. Marriage is not a one size fits all (www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com, 2011). Meaning marriage does not work for every one's situation, but in society it is seen as "the right choice". In fact society is what encourages marriage. their are many financial benefits of marriage, such as pensions, health insurance, and religion.
Pressuring live-in couples and long-term engaged couples into married people will not improve the face of marriage. In the times that we live in is all the more reason for society to urge people not to jump into marriage.
Celebrities and wealthy people use marriage as a business deal. For example, there is always a prenuptial agreement or none. When the rich couple splits they spilt assets down the middle and one person walks away one million dollars richer. But in reality when average people get a divorce they have rushed through the experience, and walk away scarred, a child with a person they despise, or thousands of dollars in debt (or more than one of these). the average person cannot afford this kind of expense despite what experts and surveys say, it is best to wait and work through those issues before the marriage, than to be another statistic.
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"Married adults now divorce
two-and-a-half times as often as adults did 20 years ago and four times as
often as they did 50 years ago... between 40% and 60% of new marriages
will eventually end in divorce. The probability within... the first five years
is 20%, and the probability of its ending within the first 10 years is 33%...
Perhaps 25% of children ages 16 and under live with a stepparent."
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—Brian K. Williams, Stacy C. Sawyer, Carl M. Wahlstrom, Marriages,
Families & Intimate Relationships, 2005
this is a link that provides advice about how to work out your differences with your spouse: www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com
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